I was recently treated to an opinion on how “all Washington drivers are bad.”
Eh? All? sez I.
Yeah. All of ‘em, she clarified, failing to register the fact that I am a Washington driver.
Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have as many friends as other people. It’s probably because I quit listening to people like this.
Today a friend commented that she can’t handle people who question the inerrancy and canon of the Bible. I, of course, took the bait, then thought about it some more. Bite now, ask why my jaw hurts later. That’s me.
(Tangent: Religion! I forgot I knew anything about this topic. But gosh darn it, those sixteen years of Christian education need to go to work somehow.)
While I am generally agnostic, I would never be accused, on good days, of anything resembling fundamentalism. I don’t believe God literally wrote the Bible — in fact we have proof that pretty much every single book in it was written by a human (okay, a man), with many of them being letters, and we know it was accumulated, translated, edited, and published by humans.
In other words, the Bible is the world’s first wiki. And, on my good days, I see this as a really cool thing, that God would entrust this important message to humans to figure out. And where there is disagreement, close study reveals deeper, more complex ideas, and I would argue, a deeper understanding of who/what God is. It’s pretty neat, and looking at it that way helps me understand it and contextualize it a lot better. I just can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure it out.
Yeah, I know. But I’m in good company: none of the rest of y’all blog anymore, either. So…there?
But in an effort to account for the lack of blogging, I give you a list (with occasional hyperlinks) of excuses for why I no longer write anything longer than a tweet. Speaking of which,
1. Twitter. Here I like to vent about companies, then realize I’m in the wrong. Actually that happened yesterday, when I spent a good twenty minutes on the TOMS shoes website trying to figure out how to calculate tax/shipping on shoes and was unable to do so without creating an account (grr), so naturally I griped about it on Twitter. Today, like a moth to flame, I went back to the TOMS website because WE LOVES THE SHOES SO MUCH and lo and behold, you could calculate the shipping on the site. And you could check out as a guest, both without creating an account. I SWEAR BY MY PRETTY FLORAL BONNET that this was not possible yesterday, but I also do not trust my brain these days, so I’m sorry, TOMS, if I was wrong, but I really hope that I wasn’t. ‘Cause I’ve been wrong and it’s embarrassing.
2. Cooking. Today I made these cinnamon rolls, and then the bastard I live with ATE THE MIDDLE ONE. If you wonder why he’s got a crick in his neck for the rest of the week, it’s because the couch isn’t quite long enough.
3. The kid. I have one. It’s a lot of work. Totally worth it, but oh my. I had no idea tiny little hugs and the slapping sound of pudgy knees and hands crawling — nay, sprinting — across the living room floor could affect my heart so. And by “affect my heart,” I’m talking about all the caffeine necessary to keep his cute little butt alive to see another day. Oy.
4. Netflix. Oh, I remember when television was something you watched from a big box in your basement instead of your laptop wherever, whenever. BUT YOU GUYS, I can indulge my Damian Lewis crush (e.g. Captain Winters in Band of Brothers; who says gingers aren’t hot?) right here on my couch while the child gnaws on the dog’s chew toy and the dog gnaws on the child. I can also watch the complete seven or six or whatever seasons of Weeds in a month, which I am not proud of nor a better person because of but did anyway because I’m a sucker for well-written shows. (See also Veronica Mars, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and Castle. Okay that last one isn’t well written, but it has Nathan Fillion.)
5. Books. I don’t read nearly as much as I used to, but The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were both fantastic. Am also going through Corrections by Franzen as well as the short stories of Mark Twain, which I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read little of. [Tangent: I really want to get a Ph.D. in literature with my area of study being humor. Tell me this would not be a waste of time, please?]
6. Football. Of course. It’s October; what else is there to do on Sundays?
7. Ignoring politics. Okay, that’s a lie. But I haven’t been writing much about it, and I figure everyone’s blood pressure is healthier for it.
As summer is waning, the NFL is waxing — and, in my metaphorical hemisphere, will totally eclipse the stupidity that is our endlessly waxing election cycle. So before the preseason begins tonight, and before the regular season begins in September, I’m going to make my Broncos astrological predictions.
Overall, I predict the Broncos will continue their low orbit in fourth place in the AFC West. The three other teams have been getting stronger, with San Diego at its zenith (or possibly just past it), Kansas City a rising star with last year’s AFC West victory, and Oakland now able to overcome its Al Davis-led gravitational collapse. So my general prediction for the AFC West is 1. Kansas City, 2. San Diego, 3. Oakland, 4. Denver. Pretty much the same as last year, the larger question being whether KC or SD is No. 1.
Caveat: These predictions are solely based on Kyle Orton as our starting QB. If we put Tebow in, I predict the International Astronomical Union will downgrade Denver to dwarf planet, like Pluto, and S&P will downgrade it to Arena League. And the thing about Tebow isn’t that he’s not a nice guy (he is) or that he doesn’t work hard (he does) or that I’m ashamed of his pro-life views (I’m ambivalent, but leave them out of the NFL, please); it’s that nearly all the great quarterbacks sat back awhile and watched from the sidelines as better QBs led. Very, very few recent rookie/first-year QBs have done well: Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco being two that come to mind. But there are many more busts or mehs: JaMarcus Russell, for one (a supernova if there ever were); Brady Quinn (also a Bronco; frak!), Matt Leinart, Brodie Croyle, Tarvaris Jackson, Matthew Stafford. Sure, most of those guys were on low-caliber teams — but what is Denver right now? I love my Broncos but all systems are not a go.
Furthermore, it doesn’t help that Denver finished 31 out of 32 teams last year, and hired the coach of the 32nd team. (There’s a Challenger metaphor that would be inappropriate here.) Sure, Fox’s old team, Carolina, was looking to scuttle and start anew and didn’t want to start with an outgoing coach. But a 2-14 record? Come on. I haven’t kept abreast of Fox’s current contract but by Apollo it better be full of incentives. The guy’s overall record is 78-74-0. Not exactly Super Bowl caliber, even if he has been to one (Panthers lost to Pats ’03 season/’04 SB). I know head coach pickings were slim last year, but I would almost’ve preferred another year with McDaniels. Almost.
So. With all that said, and looking at Denver’s draft class, I’m hoping we at least pull an 8-8 record this year.
Preseason
@Dallas
Buffalo
Seattle
@Arizona
My prediction: 2-2, who knows (or cares) which two. Could be any of ‘em. That’s a weak/middling schedule and preseason means nothing, except we hope to see Denver get off the ground.
Regular Season
Oakland (wrong — loss)
Cincinnati (wrong — win)
@Tennessee (wrong — loss)
@Green Bay (loss — correct)
San Diego (loss — correct)
Bye
@Miami (win — correct)
Detroit (wrong — loss)
@Oakland (win — correct)
@Kansas City (wrong — win)
New York Jets
@San Diego
@Minnesota
Chicago
New England
@Buffalo
Kansas City
Bolded are my rather hopeful predictions. Honestly, though, even getting to 8-8 is going to be tough.
The regular season has some interesting points: That stretch in the middle starting in Miami is a killer. Denver plays five out of seven games on the road — ouch. They’ll be coming off a bye, but that’s still pretty grueling. And one of the teams they’ll be playing at home, the Jets, is nothing to laugh at, unless we’re talking about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. So while I predict they’ll start out well on the road, I can’t see them holding up. And then coming home to face Chicago and New England? Ugh — and moreso because Jay Cutler, who left Denver thanks to the the planetary alignment of former Bronco coach Josh McDaniels and both men’s egos, will surely be arriving in Denver with a bit of a chip on his shoulder (and, depending on the season, what could be a bittersweet welcome from fans like me who miss his rocket arm dearly). The football gods are not shining on Denver these days.
Fortunately, the season ends with Buffalo and Kansas City, two potential wins if Buffalo is its usual self and KC has already wrapped the AFC No. 1 spot. So it could be at least mildly uplifting, if not, well, liftoff.
So here’s my prayer to the Mile-High heavens: Denver, just don’t embarrass me. No blowout losses (especially at home) and no shut-out losses. When you lose, at least keep the game exciting.
In the name of the Rockies, cold beer, and John Elway, amen.
Against my will and my nature and my very soul, I’m trying to cut out dairy products for two weeks (for Boy Genius, who has eczema flare-ups that may be caused by dairy). Since I’m already a vegetarian*, this would make me almost vegan. Anyone have some vegan recipes or websites to share? Cause this is uncharted territory for me.
*mostly, but gosh I do love bacon
Because I work in education — moreover, in a grant-funded education program — my field is the first to take budget cuts and usually the last to see the money return, and take them we did this year. One-third of our funding went away, so my employer immediately began looking to cut the teaching loads of people who get benefits. That included me, and is why I quit teaching after this quarter (since I did not want to teach a reduced load for no benefits — childcare costs alone would nearly wipe out what income I would make). My (our) health insurance ends June 30; as such, I’ve been looking for individual health insurance, which
1. is fucking expensive;
2. has poor options (see also “fucking expensive”);
3. has enrollment periods, which are stringent for children.
Now, I get why enrollment periods exist: you don’t want people signing up when they get sick; you want them covered all the time. Fine. But when there’s a change of employment status, you’re supposed to be able to get insurance. Well, I can. But, oddly, my dependent cannot.
Why? In spite of my change in employment, I did not exhaust my COBRA benefits; so while I can buy a plan any time, he, because of his age, cannot. But I CAN’T AFFORD COBRA, in case the “change in employment status” was unclear. COBRA benefits would cost us almost $900/month. I wasn’t making much more than $900/month when I was employed.
But the good news is that I can either pay $900/month for COBRA until September 15, at which time I can reapply for an individual plan for him, or I can add him to my husband’s plan (for an equally ridiculous sum of money per month*), or I can buy a short-term policy for him, but it doesn’t cover the ONE THING that we need for sure: well-baby care. SERIOUSLY? THE ONE THING YOU DON’T COVER IS PREVENTIVE CARE? YOU KNOW, THE THING THAT HELPS PREVENT THE EXPENSIVE CARE?
Fuck you, insurance bureaucrats and actuaries. You make America worse.
*Employers don’t WANT you to have children or add them to your plan: it’s why my teaching load was reduced and why it costs a couple hundred bucks to add a kid to your plan.**
**Ironically, there seems to be a buy-one,-get-as-many-as-you-want-for-free–approach to adding kids to the plan: have one kid or eight — it all costs the same. Somehow, though, I don’t see that as a sign to have more kids…just another loophole in a Swiss-cheese–style industry.
A student wrote the following in his writing portfolio cover letter:
Dear Ms. Waters,
To be perfectly honest, when this quarter first started, I thought that English Composition 101 was going to be a breeze. I expected ABC-style, elementary writing where I would be able to knock papers out in twenty minutes or less, like a pizza joint. This class was supposed to be my easy “A.” Boy was I wrong.
The first paper I turned in was the 5-paragraph essay on the novella, “A River Runs Through It.” Assuming I was a great writer, I had a smug attitude and was looking forward to my first “A” of the quarter. When the paper was returned, however, I was greeted by a smack in the face: a “C”! Surely this must be some kind of mistake, I thought. Upon reviewing the notes and comments, I was dismayed to discover that I was not as great of a writer as I initially believed, and was, in fact, heavily flawed. I didn’t know how to properly cite sources, I was unclear in my arguments, and I was not summarizing in my own words. Worst of all, I was the next worse [sic] thing to being a plagiarizer.
[...talks about assignments he worked on and how his grade improved]
Writing is something that many people don’t understand how to do well. While the concept of explaining something in the written word seems so simple, to actually do it is something else entirely. The lessons that I have been taught in English Composition 101 are ones I will always remember. They have given me the confidence to write thoughtfully and intellectually on just about any subject. Grist for my mill, I suppose you could say [reference to G. Graff article "Hidden Intellectualism"]. In the future, I plan to use this knowledge to produce academically sound papers for my other classes and hopefully pursue a post-graduate degree once I get out of Washington State Penitentiary.
I would like to thank you, Ms. Waters, for taking the time to come to this environment and bringing higher learning into our lives. The lessons that you have taught me have inspired in me a confidence in my academic ability that I didn’t have before I took this class. I hope that you take at least a little satisfaction in knowing that you have helped a student begin his journey towards something better in his life. Wherever you end up going with your teaching career, you will always have students out there that will remain forever grateful for having been better educated by your lessons.
Sincerely yours,
[...]
I don’t post this to pat myself on the back; instead, I post it to remind myself, and I hope others, of the very high highs that come with this career.
And I’ll just add a sentence from another of his papers, which was pretty much the best line in a student paper, ever. The context is, again, Gerald Graff’s article “Hidden Intellectualism,” wherein Graff argues that students should tackle texts that are interesting to them, and that they can exercise the same rhetorical muscle with contemporary, popular texts as they can with traditional, canonical texts. This student’s response:
Sorry Shakespeare, but thou doth not standeth a chance against cars, music, friends, or girls, in any particular order, on any given day.
Man, I studied journalism for four years and never figured out what “news” was. But Bill Moyers says it so succinctly:
“The news is about what people want to keep hidden. Everything else is publicity.”
As of yesterday I let myself be sucked into a debate over government standards for lightbulbs that begin to go into effect in 2012 (a.k.a. THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT) and effectively — though not technically — ban common types of incandescent lightbulbs. Here is the initial claim being made, as well as a link to an article from FOX News:
Awesome! We get to step back in time 200 years and go back to dim, lights or oil lamps, all because some environmentalist wacko decided that Thomas Edison sucks! How long will it be before we’re talking about the evil LED lighting companies who are making gross profits off of us? Just watch, when the tax revenue from utility taxes goes in the toilet, they’ll either raise the tax on electricity, or they’ll tax LED lig*
*Facebook truncated this post; I did not
Claim: Environmentalists think Thomas Edison sucks. This article says that the government will make you pay $50 for lightbulbs.
Me: No, and only for really expensive LED lightbulbs. Read the damn article, not just the headline.
Rebuttal: Okay, fine, but I hate the arbitrary date that someone decided on. And my lighting options are no light, bad fluorescent light, or $50 bulbs.
Me: You will have had five years to make the transition from when this was passed by Congress in 2007 to 2012. And CFLs come in m any different sizes and colors, and they’re cheap.
Rebuttal: Well, something is being forced on me that doesn’t work as well as the original thing. I don’t like the government telling me what to do.
Me: The government exists to do things the people cannot; ensuring clean air, for example.
Rebuttal: China pollutes more than we do; why should we care?
Me: BANGS HEAD ON FUCKING WALL.
The worst-kept nonsecret of the year is that the program I teach in lost one-third of its funding. As such, I am retiring — temporarily, anyway — in June. And I can’t honestly say I’ll miss teaching freshman comp — I’ve taught it for five years total now and I’m ready for a break — though I will miss the satisfaction that comes with my job. But I dread the title of stay-at-home mom and will be beating down the door of anyone looking for a freelance writer.
And in related news, do you know how much health insurance costs? TOO DAMN MUCH.