On being a gimp

§ November 6th, 2011 § Filed under football § Tagged § 2 Comments

After getting Boy Genius to bed last night, I was headed downstairs with a yet-unconsumed glass of Mommy Needs A Minute (or similar) and the Husband was popping a Redbox DVD into the player, and instead of watching where I was going I was admiring the view of his backside. The next thing I knew there was a loud popping sound in my ankle and I had managed to fall nearly flat on my face without spilling a drop of my beverage. Clearly I missed my calling as a pub wench. Chances are it’s a bad sprain and/or a really minor fracture, and instead of going for X-rays (something having a high deductible makes you think about), we watched our movie and went to bed and wished Daylight Saving Time was a concept a toddler could understand.

Today I’ve been laid up on the couch all day with a bag of ice and football on television. And by “laid up” I mean I’ve only jumped up and high-fived, danced, and/or screamed “Run, run, RUN” about ten times, including one that awoke Boy Genius. But hey. This is a momentous day: not only did the Chiefs hand Miami their first win of the season and the Chargers help the Packers stay unbeaten, but the Broncos beat Oakland in Oakland. In your stupid face, Raider Nation.

So, to recap: I had to stay on the couch all day and watch football and all the AFC West teams except the Broncos lost and it was good. Very, very good.

On planting 300 bulbs

§ November 5th, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § No Comments

I would like my back transplant now, please.

On political debate reality shows

§ November 4th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, politics § 3 Comments

It’s my third day of NaBloPoMo and because I cannot think of how to get voters to understand just how ridiculous the Republican candidates are (EXCEPT HUNTSMAN — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE — EVEN I WOULD CONSIDER VOTING FOR HIM), I propose the following debate/reality show formats:

Lie Detector Dunk Tank. Is it wrong to admit I just want to see New Gingrich in a Speedo? Anyway, the premise is simple: Whenever you lie, as determined by say Factcheck.org or another independent nonpartisan organization, you get dunked. And/or if you lie three times total, you get dropped off a cliff. Bungee cords are too leftish (social safety net, anyone?), so candidates are left to fashion a parachute out of their American dreams and bootstraps, MacGyver style.

Blind CandiDate. Like the show of yore, you ask a question and hear three candidates’ responses (we might need voice obfuscation software) and get to blindly choose the one according to, goddammit, their answers, not the way they look or whatever intangibles sway people. Bad news to whomever goes home with Rick Santorum — he’s been experiencing a Google problem lasting for a lot longer than four hours, so he may need to see a doctor about that.

Iron Chief. Whomever cooks up the tastiest food wins the metaphor contest. Hint: The secret ingredient is horse shit.

Who Wants to Take on Medicare? This one’s a fundraiser. Explain to seniors exactly what you want to do with their Medicare and see if they’ll give you any money.

I cannot imagine that anyone would find my idea unacceptable — I mean, if people are willing to take Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain seriously, and if Rick Santorum really thinks gay marriage is the hill he’s willing to die on, then this is equally serious — and would perhaps lead to bipartisan entertainment and agreement. Maybe it could even heal America.

 

On the state of the 2011 Broncos

§ November 3rd, 2011 § Filed under football § Tagged , § No Comments

Day two of NaBloPoMo and I’m thinking about football. It’s Thursday, which means I’m on the upswing of my weekly Broncos football depression bender. Okay, so we got pounded last week by the Detroit Lions and my predictions have me flunking Divination 101, but this week we’re playing the Raiders (and according to the506.com, I’ll actually get to watch this on television instead of my laptop) and who knows — maybe Tebow will get benched in favor of, um, Elway?, and we’ll pull out a miraculous win. Hope springs eternal for a Broncos fan.

I’ve never, ever liked Tebow — not since he injected politics into a Super Bowl commercial last year, definitely not when McDaniels used a first-round pick to draft him, never in any of his lousy starts, and I allowed only the slimmest sliver of hope when he helped the Broncos come back to beat the Dolphins two weeks ago. I was not surprised by his performance against Detroit. Suffice it to say, I am not a fan. But I will give him this: Most of us tense up for our annual review with our boss; Tebow gets a daily review not just from his boss but from most of the sports world — one that’s published, broadcast, and otherwise disseminated to millions of people, not just given in a windowed office on a sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper. And I guess they pay guys like him millions of dollars so they can go buy thick skin to make themselves impervious to our criticism, but still. That’s rough.

So I hope he plays well. For us this week, and for another team in the future. Because the Broncos have a lot of issues, and our current game of quarterback whack-a-mole is getting old, fast, for us fans.

On Halloween

§ November 2nd, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § Tagged , § 1 Comment

This is my first attempt at participating in National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo — say that three times fast), which the illustrious and articulate Ceri made me aware of. Let’s just file this under Things I’ve Already Failed At and skip past the part where I didn’t do day 1 of the challenge and move to day 2.

Today I used the Facebook stalker feed to spy on a conversation about whether it is right for a Christian to participate in Halloween. Though the questioner was doing her best not to be overly judgmental, the mere act of questioning my friend in a public place seemed intrinsically judgmental. My knee-jerk reaction to this sort of religiously driven crap is to (1) disassociate with people participating in it, and (2) write snarky things in response, then (3) wonder why I’m not a better person. Growing up is hard.

Calvin and Hobbes pumpkinBut the truth is, I have little trouble with Halloween, whether we define “participating” as handing out candy or dressing up as, say, Miss Wormwood or a “decorative” scarecrow and scaring children who come up the walk, har har that was funny that year. I even carved a pumpkin this year, for the first time in I don’t know how long. There are a couple things I dislike about the holiday — I dislike how our neighbors have a “graveyard” in their front lawn complete with a “corpse” “decomposing” nearby. That’s not my style. And I dislike how much candy I consume when the trick-or-treaters don’t show up and leave me with a bagful. But here’s what I like about the holiday: I like giving kids candy, I like the imagination and creativity that goes into planning, I like looking at the costumes, I love an excuse to dress my kid up, and I like watching kids play the role they’ve chosen for that day. These are good things. And if Easter and the War on Christmas (ha ha, oh, FOX news, you warmonger, you) has taught us anything, it’s that we can reclaim the holidays and celebrate them as befits our beliefs.

So that’s what I want to tell that ultramegaconservativewoman who is gently judging my friend for handing out candy. And that’s my first NaBloPoMo entry.

Power, sharing, and parenting: A working theory

§ October 27th, 2011 § Filed under boy genius, edutainment, family, opinions on childish things § 4 Comments

This Slate article on children sharing caught my attention because I have been annoyed at the parental hypervigilance and — dare I say — interference in children’s interactions with each other. You know, a parent swooping in and demanding that little Bobby share the Play-Dough with little Susie, who sidled over and grabbed it from Bobby’s hands. Of course until now, sharing hasn’t been an issue in this house, as only yesterday my kid was able to actually let go of the block he put into my hand, so my opinions are far more theoretical at this point. But the article brings up important questions: at what point do we step in to help our children learn to share, and at what point do we sit back and let them figure it out? Where is the balance between being polite and being interfering with it comes to other people’s kids? What age is modeling going to work, and what do we/I do until then?

I surely don’t know, but I guess I use this as a warning shot, of sorts, that I am more likely to sit back and let my child figure things out for himself amongst his peers. Obviously I would step in to prevent injury or to deescalate a bad fight, but I like the idea of kids experiencing gain and loss, of struggling to understand their own power. But you know what? This view of parenting may make my child incompatible with other kids (or, more likely, it may make me incompatible with their parents). He may be seen as a bully or a jerk and I might be seen as a Bad Parent if I take this tack. But I strongly believe that we learn better through experience, not verbal remonstration. Teaching when they’re ripe for it, not green, as the article discusses.

It’s going to be like trying to find firm footing in a marsh, this theory of letting my kid understand power via experience.  I suppose the best thing that I can do is ask other parents, Do you want me to step in, or can we let them figure this out? But parents I see on the playground are so quick to jump in before other parents, almost as if they’re competing to see who can be Most Involved, as if that makes them a better parent, so I can’t imagine they will respond well to my approach. And I certainly don’t argue the opposite, that neglect produces “better” or more creative children. I just want to find that middle, somewhat squishy ground where my kid can develop his understanding of power naturally, operate within the parameters of a semi-polite society, but where we his parents serve as guides, not dictators or interventionists. That balance just seems incredibly tricky, if not impossible, to find.

I know this blog isn’t a hotbed for discussion, but I would welcome thoughts and experience on this topic, as it’s one I’m just beginning to contemplate.

Then it must be true

§ October 17th, 2011 § Filed under procrastiblog, whine § No Comments

I was recently treated to an opinion on how “all Washington drivers are bad.”

Eh? All? sez I.

Yeah. All of ‘em, she clarified, failing to register the fact that I am a Washington driver.

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have as many friends as other people. It’s probably because I quit listening to people like this.

Wikibible

§ October 11th, 2011 § Filed under books § Tagged , , § 2 Comments

Today a friend commented that she can’t handle people who question the inerrancy and canon of the Bible. I, of course, took the bait, then thought about it some more. Bite now, ask why my jaw hurts later. That’s me.

(Tangent: Religion! I forgot I knew anything about this topic. But gosh darn it, those sixteen years of Christian education need to go to work somehow.)

While I am generally agnostic, I would never be accused, on good days, of anything resembling fundamentalism. I don’t believe God literally wrote the Bible — in fact we have proof that pretty much every single book in it was written by a human (okay, a man), with many of them being letters, and we know it was accumulated, translated, edited, and published by humans.

In other words, the Bible is the world’s first wiki. And, on my good days, I see this as a really cool thing, that God would entrust this important message to humans to figure out. And where there is disagreement, close study reveals deeper, more complex ideas, and I would argue, a deeper understanding of who/what God is. It’s pretty neat, and looking at it that way helps me understand it and contextualize it a lot better. I just can’t believe it’s taken me this many years to figure it out.

Hey, remember when I used to blog?

§ October 5th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, books, boy genius, food!, football § 2 Comments

Yeah, I know. But I’m in good company: none of the rest of y’all blog anymore, either. So…there?

But in an effort to account for the lack of blogging, I give you a list (with occasional hyperlinks) of excuses for why I no longer write anything longer than a tweet. Speaking of which,

1. Twitter. Here I like to vent about companies, then realize I’m in the wrong. Actually that happened yesterday, when I spent a good twenty minutes on the TOMS shoes website trying to figure out how to calculate tax/shipping on shoes and was unable to do so without creating an account (grr), so naturally I griped about it on Twitter. Today, like a moth to flame, I went back to the TOMS website because WE LOVES THE SHOES SO MUCH and lo and behold, you could calculate the shipping on the site. And you could check out as a guest, both without creating an account. I SWEAR BY MY PRETTY FLORAL BONNET that this was not possible yesterday, but I also do not trust my brain these days, so I’m sorry, TOMS, if I was wrong, but I really hope that I wasn’t. ‘Cause I’ve been wrong and it’s embarrassing.

2. Cooking. Today I made these cinnamon rolls, and then the bastard I live with ATE THE MIDDLE ONE. If you wonder why he’s got a crick in his neck for the rest of the week, it’s because the couch isn’t quite long enough.

3. The kid. I have one. It’s a lot of work. Totally worth it, but oh my. I had no idea tiny little hugs and the slapping sound of pudgy knees and hands crawling — nay, sprinting — across the living room floor could affect my heart so. And by “affect my heart,” I’m talking about all the caffeine necessary to keep his cute little butt alive to see another day. Oy.

4. Netflix. Oh, I remember when television was something you watched from a big box in your basement instead of your laptop wherever, whenever. BUT YOU GUYS, I can indulge my Damian Lewis crush (e.g. Captain Winters in Band of Brothers; who says gingers aren’t hot?) right here on my couch while the child gnaws on the dog’s chew toy and the dog gnaws on the child. I can also watch the complete seven or six or whatever seasons of Weeds in a month, which I am not proud of nor a better person because of but did anyway because I’m a sucker for well-written shows. (See also Veronica Mars, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, and Castle. Okay that last one isn’t well written, but it has Nathan Fillion.)

5. Books. I don’t read nearly as much as I used to, but The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were both fantastic. Am also going through Corrections by Franzen as well as the short stories of Mark Twain, which I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve read little of. [Tangent: I really want to get a Ph.D. in literature with my area of study being humor. Tell me this would not be a waste of time, please?]

6. Football. Of course. It’s October; what else is there to do on Sundays?

7. Ignoring politics. Okay, that’s a lie. But I haven’t been writing much about it, and I figure everyone’s blood pressure is healthier for it.

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Predictions for the 2011 Broncos

§ August 11th, 2011 § Filed under football, squee § Tagged , , § 4 Comments

As summer is waning, the NFL is waxing — and, in my metaphorical hemisphere, will totally eclipse the stupidity that is our endlessly waxing election cycle. So before the preseason begins tonight, and before the regular season begins in September, I’m going to make my Broncos astrological predictions.

Overall, I predict the Broncos will continue their low orbit in fourth place in the AFC West. The three other teams have been getting stronger, with San Diego at its zenith (or possibly just past it), Kansas City a rising star with last year’s AFC West victory, and Oakland now able to overcome its Al Davis-led gravitational collapse. So my general prediction for the AFC West is 1. Kansas City, 2. San Diego, 3. Oakland, 4. Denver. Pretty much the same as last year, the larger question being whether KC or SD is No. 1.

Caveat: These predictions are solely based on Kyle Orton as our starting QB. If we put Tebow in, I predict the International Astronomical Union will downgrade Denver to dwarf planet, like Pluto, and S&P will downgrade it to Arena League. And the thing about Tebow isn’t that he’s not a nice guy (he is) or that he doesn’t work hard (he does) or that I’m ashamed of his pro-life views (I’m ambivalent, but leave them out of the NFL, please); it’s that nearly all the great quarterbacks sat back awhile and watched from the sidelines as better QBs led. Very, very few recent rookie/first-year QBs have done well: Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco being two that come to mind. But there are many more busts or mehs: JaMarcus Russell, for one (a supernova if there ever were); Brady Quinn (also a Bronco; frak!), Matt Leinart, Brodie Croyle, Tarvaris Jackson, Matthew Stafford. Sure, most of those guys were on low-caliber teams — but what is Denver right now? I love my Broncos but all systems are not a go.

Furthermore, it doesn’t help that Denver finished 31 out of 32 teams last year, and hired the coach of the 32nd team. (There’s a Challenger metaphor that would be inappropriate here.) Sure, Fox’s old team, Carolina, was looking to scuttle and start anew and didn’t want to start with an outgoing coach. But a 2-14 record? Come on. I haven’t kept abreast of Fox’s current contract but by Apollo it better be full of incentives. The guy’s overall record is 78-74-0. Not exactly Super Bowl caliber, even if he has been to one  (Panthers lost to Pats ’03 season/’04 SB). I know head coach pickings were slim last year, but I would almost’ve preferred another year with McDaniels. Almost.

So. With all that said, and looking at Denver’s draft class, I’m hoping we at least pull an 8-8 record this year.

Preseason

@Dallas
Buffalo
Seattle
@Arizona

My prediction: 2-2, who knows  (or cares) which two. Could be any of ‘em. That’s a weak/middling schedule and preseason means nothing, except we hope to see Denver get off the ground.

Regular Season

Oakland  (wrong — loss)
Cincinnati (wrong — win)
@Tennessee (wrong — loss)
@Green Bay (loss — correct)
San Diego (loss — correct)
Bye
@Miami (win — correct)
Detroit (wrong — loss)
@Oakland (win — correct)
@Kansas City (wrong — win)
New York Jets
@San Diego
@Minnesota
Chicago
New England
@Buffalo
Kansas City 

Bolded are my rather hopeful predictions. Honestly, though, even getting to 8-8 is going to be tough.

The regular season has some interesting points: That stretch in the middle starting in Miami is a killer. Denver plays five out of seven games on the road — ouch. They’ll be coming off a bye, but that’s still pretty grueling. And one of the teams they’ll be playing at home, the Jets, is nothing to laugh at, unless we’re talking about Rex Ryan’s foot fetish. So while I predict they’ll start out well on the road, I can’t see them holding up. And then coming home to face Chicago and New England? Ugh — and moreso because Jay Cutler, who left Denver thanks to the the planetary alignment of former Bronco coach Josh McDaniels and both men’s egos, will surely be arriving in Denver with a bit of a chip on his shoulder (and, depending on the season, what could be a bittersweet welcome from fans like me who miss his rocket arm dearly). The football gods are not shining on Denver these days.

Fortunately, the season ends with Buffalo and Kansas City, two potential wins if Buffalo is its usual self and KC has already wrapped the AFC No. 1 spot. So it could be at least mildly uplifting, if not, well, liftoff.

So here’s my prayer to the Mile-High heavens: Denver, just don’t embarrass me. No blowout losses (especially at home) and no shut-out losses. When you lose, at least keep the game exciting.

In the name of the Rockies, cold beer, and John Elway, amen.

A plea for the newly vegan me

§ June 16th, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § Tagged , § 8 Comments

Against my will and my nature and my very soul, I’m trying to cut out dairy products for two weeks (for Boy Genius, who has eczema flare-ups that may be caused by dairy). Since I’m already a vegetarian*, this would make me almost vegan. Anyone have some vegan recipes or websites to share? Cause this is uncharted territory for me.

*mostly, but gosh I do love bacon

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