On layabouting

§ November 13th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, football § No Comments

You  know what the worst thing is about one’s husband being productive all day? He raked most of the leaves the tree shat on the lawn and spent the entire evening sorting through and filing away old papers, looking, vainly, for Boy Genius’s birth certificate. So what’s bad, you ask, about a productive husband?

HE’S SO GODDAMN SMUG ABOUT IT. Yes, Dear. You worked all day while I did some mild housecleaning and am now spending the waning hours watching football. No, Dear, I DO NOT WANT TO SORT OUT MY PILES OF JUNK. Also they’re already sorted. INTO PILES.

To quote Rick Perry, “Oops”

§ November 12th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, whine § No Comments

I missed a day of NaBloPoMo. I blame The Child Who Will Not Go the Fuck to Sleep.

In which my liberal card is revoked

§ November 10th, 2011 § Filed under politics § Tagged , § 3 Comments

I believe that everyone with income should pay federal income tax. This is a pretty unpopular opinion in liberal circles, and a wildly popular opinion in conservative ones, so I will explain, so as to make both camps unhappy with me.

(Ah, well.)

According to the Tax Policy Center, there are 151 million tax units (singles, couples, families) in the U.S., of which around 48% do not pay individual income tax. About 60% of those people make under $20,000 a year, which is below the poverty level (and also awful and sad). By my calculations — and I am no mathematician — this means there are around 44 million tax units not paying federal income taxes, the majority of whom cannot really afford to.

And here’s where you take away my liberal card.

I call bullshit: fixed income or not, poverty or not, I think every household can save a few cents a month and pay some federal taxes. If every tax unit saved $0.83 per month, which is to say that they paid $10 per year in income tax, that would add at least $440 million to the federal budget (hopefully more; the 40% making above poverty level might be able to contribute $1 per month, say). Sure, when the U.S. budget is projected to be $3.729 trillion in 2012, this is the tiniest fraction (.001 percent, right? again, not a math person) of the budget. But this amount of income does two things:

First of all, it gives everyone ownership of what happens in America. It means if you have income, your tax dollars — or cents, as it may be — aren’t just going to entitlement programs like SS and Medicare; it means they’re going to defense, environmental protection, emergency funding, world aid, etc. So if you didn’t pay taxes before and felt like you had no say in where your dollars were spent because your dollars weren’t spent, now you have no excuse. No longer do you have to feel inadequate when your GOP representative denigrates your income class to the country; now you can stand up and say, “Hey, shut up. I pay taxes too, though I can little afford it. This is my country and I’m giving and taking like everyone else.” Maybe it would even compel some people, who may have felt unworthy of voting before, to get out and vote.

Second, and most important, it would make the right-wingers STFU about how 50 percent of Americans pay no taxes. Hell, even crazy right-wing tea-nut Michele Bachmann has said that a dollar would be good enough for her, so let’s add an order of magnitude and take away a huge Republican talking point.

Best of all, once everyone who produces income is paying taxes, the GOP’s message that it’s okay to increase taxes on the poor but not the rich is severely undermined.

Caveat: Here’s what I don’t know: I don’t know how much it costs the Internal Revenue Service to review each tax statement. Maybe there’s a negative ROI on paying such low taxes, though the liberal in me would love to see the rhetorical knots Republicans twist themselves into explaining why it’s bad for poor people to pay taxes. I also don’t know exactly how to address income vs. capital gains, as well as people receiving Social Security. So this argument is incomplete with parts that I’m not prepared to deal with. (Work in progress, people. Work in progress.)

Yet while I hate to see the working class get nickel-and-dimed more (literally, in my projection), provided that the cost of processing these returns doesn’t make it negative, I think it’s well worth the cost of ownership of the country.

Suck it, Red.

On leaving

§ November 9th, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § No Comments

I think this is not in the spirit of NaBloPoMo, but I’m off to the Wallowas this evening and nearly forgot to post before I left. As for the timing of my departure, well, who doesn’t live driving windy, forested, possibly snowy roads in the dark with a screaming toddler?

On nothing

§ November 8th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, books § 3 Comments

NaBloPoMo, Day 7

I have almost nothing to say. It’s election day, one best spent in bed on a deserted island with a book and no internet. Unfortunately that is not how I spent it, and now I’m medicating with Haggen-Dazs and will resume Game of Thrones, the book, shortly.

On time

§ November 7th, 2011 § Filed under boy genius, insomniblog, job thingy, whine § Tagged , , § 4 Comments

I have spent nearly all day trying to finish one of my articles so my editor won’t regret hiring me, but a certain Boy Genius is making it difficult. First, and in spite of our patient explanations, he didn’t care for the time change and awoke at 5:20. Then he decided two short naps wasn’t enough and added a new one. At eight-WTF-o’clock.

Nap, you say. Well then Chelsey has time to write, doesn’t she. While he naps.

Yes. I thought so too. I opened my laptop, the document I’m working on, all nine sources I’m using, and wrote a paragraph. ONE WHOLE PARAGRAPH. And then the Boy Who Barely Slept awoke. This was repeated twice throughout the day. Otherwise, if I tried to work on it while he was playing with his toys, he’d invariably fall, or bonk his head, or try to do dental work on the dog who is generally quite long-suffering but has her limits.

This is why freelance writing and stay-at-home-motherhood are incompatible. If I had childcare or even a child who napped in long, solid blocks — which, I believe, are a myth visited upon us by sadistic writers of sleep-training manuals — then yeah, I’d be productive. As it is, I have to wait for a break, which comes in the evening when the husband gets home, but first we have dinner, and then I leave to write, but I have to be back within an hour and a half for Cranky Genius Bedtime (still nursing), and by the time the Bedtime Ordeal is over and the little Evil Genius is in bed, yea, asleep, well by then it’s almost eight o’clock and I’ve been up since five-something and the words go onto the page, but when I see them again in the light of the next day, I know there’s no way in hell my editor wants to see this linguistic concoction.

So that’s how the freelance thing is going.

On being a gimp

§ November 6th, 2011 § Filed under football § Tagged § 2 Comments

After getting Boy Genius to bed last night, I was headed downstairs with a yet-unconsumed glass of Mommy Needs A Minute (or similar) and the Husband was popping a Redbox DVD into the player, and instead of watching where I was going I was admiring the view of his backside. The next thing I knew there was a loud popping sound in my ankle and I had managed to fall nearly flat on my face without spilling a drop of my beverage. Clearly I missed my calling as a pub wench. Chances are it’s a bad sprain and/or a really minor fracture, and instead of going for X-rays (something having a high deductible makes you think about), we watched our movie and went to bed and wished Daylight Saving Time was a concept a toddler could understand.

Today I’ve been laid up on the couch all day with a bag of ice and football on television. And by “laid up” I mean I’ve only jumped up and high-fived, danced, and/or screamed “Run, run, RUN” about ten times, including one that awoke Boy Genius. But hey. This is a momentous day: not only did the Chiefs hand Miami their first win of the season and the Chargers help the Packers stay unbeaten, but the Broncos beat Oakland in Oakland. In your stupid face, Raider Nation.

So, to recap: I had to stay on the couch all day and watch football and all the AFC West teams except the Broncos lost and it was good. Very, very good.

On planting 300 bulbs

§ November 5th, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § No Comments

I would like my back transplant now, please.

On political debate reality shows

§ November 4th, 2011 § Filed under blogs i'm not really proud of, politics § 3 Comments

It’s my third day of NaBloPoMo and because I cannot think of how to get voters to understand just how ridiculous the Republican candidates are (EXCEPT HUNTSMAN — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE — EVEN I WOULD CONSIDER VOTING FOR HIM), I propose the following debate/reality show formats:

Lie Detector Dunk Tank. Is it wrong to admit I just want to see New Gingrich in a Speedo? Anyway, the premise is simple: Whenever you lie, as determined by say Factcheck.org or another independent nonpartisan organization, you get dunked. And/or if you lie three times total, you get dropped off a cliff. Bungee cords are too leftish (social safety net, anyone?), so candidates are left to fashion a parachute out of their American dreams and bootstraps, MacGyver style.

Blind CandiDate. Like the show of yore, you ask a question and hear three candidates’ responses (we might need voice obfuscation software) and get to blindly choose the one according to, goddammit, their answers, not the way they look or whatever intangibles sway people. Bad news to whomever goes home with Rick Santorum — he’s been experiencing a Google problem lasting for a lot longer than four hours, so he may need to see a doctor about that.

Iron Chief. Whomever cooks up the tastiest food wins the metaphor contest. Hint: The secret ingredient is horse shit.

Who Wants to Take on Medicare? This one’s a fundraiser. Explain to seniors exactly what you want to do with their Medicare and see if they’ll give you any money.

I cannot imagine that anyone would find my idea unacceptable — I mean, if people are willing to take Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain seriously, and if Rick Santorum really thinks gay marriage is the hill he’s willing to die on, then this is equally serious — and would perhaps lead to bipartisan entertainment and agreement. Maybe it could even heal America.

 

On the state of the 2011 Broncos

§ November 3rd, 2011 § Filed under football § Tagged , § No Comments

Day two of NaBloPoMo and I’m thinking about football. It’s Thursday, which means I’m on the upswing of my weekly Broncos football depression bender. Okay, so we got pounded last week by the Detroit Lions and my predictions have me flunking Divination 101, but this week we’re playing the Raiders (and according to the506.com, I’ll actually get to watch this on television instead of my laptop) and who knows — maybe Tebow will get benched in favor of, um, Elway?, and we’ll pull out a miraculous win. Hope springs eternal for a Broncos fan.

I’ve never, ever liked Tebow — not since he injected politics into a Super Bowl commercial last year, definitely not when McDaniels used a first-round pick to draft him, never in any of his lousy starts, and I allowed only the slimmest sliver of hope when he helped the Broncos come back to beat the Dolphins two weeks ago. I was not surprised by his performance against Detroit. Suffice it to say, I am not a fan. But I will give him this: Most of us tense up for our annual review with our boss; Tebow gets a daily review not just from his boss but from most of the sports world — one that’s published, broadcast, and otherwise disseminated to millions of people, not just given in a windowed office on a sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper. And I guess they pay guys like him millions of dollars so they can go buy thick skin to make themselves impervious to our criticism, but still. That’s rough.

So I hope he plays well. For us this week, and for another team in the future. Because the Broncos have a lot of issues, and our current game of quarterback whack-a-mole is getting old, fast, for us fans.

On Halloween

§ November 2nd, 2011 § Filed under uncategorized § Tagged , § 1 Comment

This is my first attempt at participating in National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo — say that three times fast), which the illustrious and articulate Ceri made me aware of. Let’s just file this under Things I’ve Already Failed At and skip past the part where I didn’t do day 1 of the challenge and move to day 2.

Today I used the Facebook stalker feed to spy on a conversation about whether it is right for a Christian to participate in Halloween. Though the questioner was doing her best not to be overly judgmental, the mere act of questioning my friend in a public place seemed intrinsically judgmental. My knee-jerk reaction to this sort of religiously driven crap is to (1) disassociate with people participating in it, and (2) write snarky things in response, then (3) wonder why I’m not a better person. Growing up is hard.

Calvin and Hobbes pumpkinBut the truth is, I have little trouble with Halloween, whether we define “participating” as handing out candy or dressing up as, say, Miss Wormwood or a “decorative” scarecrow and scaring children who come up the walk, har har that was funny that year. I even carved a pumpkin this year, for the first time in I don’t know how long. There are a couple things I dislike about the holiday — I dislike how our neighbors have a “graveyard” in their front lawn complete with a “corpse” “decomposing” nearby. That’s not my style. And I dislike how much candy I consume when the trick-or-treaters don’t show up and leave me with a bagful. But here’s what I like about the holiday: I like giving kids candy, I like the imagination and creativity that goes into planning, I like looking at the costumes, I love an excuse to dress my kid up, and I like watching kids play the role they’ve chosen for that day. These are good things. And if Easter and the War on Christmas (ha ha, oh, FOX news, you warmonger, you) has taught us anything, it’s that we can reclaim the holidays and celebrate them as befits our beliefs.

So that’s what I want to tell that ultramegaconservativewoman who is gently judging my friend for handing out candy. And that’s my first NaBloPoMo entry.

Power, sharing, and parenting: A working theory

§ October 27th, 2011 § Filed under boy genius, edutainment, family, opinions on childish things § 4 Comments

This Slate article on children sharing caught my attention because I have been annoyed at the parental hypervigilance and — dare I say — interference in children’s interactions with each other. You know, a parent swooping in and demanding that little Bobby share the Play-Dough with little Susie, who sidled over and grabbed it from Bobby’s hands. Of course until now, sharing hasn’t been an issue in this house, as only yesterday my kid was able to actually let go of the block he put into my hand, so my opinions are far more theoretical at this point. But the article brings up important questions: at what point do we step in to help our children learn to share, and at what point do we sit back and let them figure it out? Where is the balance between being polite and being interfering with it comes to other people’s kids? What age is modeling going to work, and what do we/I do until then?

I surely don’t know, but I guess I use this as a warning shot, of sorts, that I am more likely to sit back and let my child figure things out for himself amongst his peers. Obviously I would step in to prevent injury or to deescalate a bad fight, but I like the idea of kids experiencing gain and loss, of struggling to understand their own power. But you know what? This view of parenting may make my child incompatible with other kids (or, more likely, it may make me incompatible with their parents). He may be seen as a bully or a jerk and I might be seen as a Bad Parent if I take this tack. But I strongly believe that we learn better through experience, not verbal remonstration. Teaching when they’re ripe for it, not green, as the article discusses.

It’s going to be like trying to find firm footing in a marsh, this theory of letting my kid understand power via experience.  I suppose the best thing that I can do is ask other parents, Do you want me to step in, or can we let them figure this out? But parents I see on the playground are so quick to jump in before other parents, almost as if they’re competing to see who can be Most Involved, as if that makes them a better parent, so I can’t imagine they will respond well to my approach. And I certainly don’t argue the opposite, that neglect produces “better” or more creative children. I just want to find that middle, somewhat squishy ground where my kid can develop his understanding of power naturally, operate within the parameters of a semi-polite society, but where we his parents serve as guides, not dictators or interventionists. That balance just seems incredibly tricky, if not impossible, to find.

I know this blog isn’t a hotbed for discussion, but I would welcome thoughts and experience on this topic, as it’s one I’m just beginning to contemplate.

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