Childbirth education, part one: Rhetorical analysis
It’s a bit hard for me as a teacher to sit as a student in a class. It’s kind of like rafting after I learned to row: no way am I not going to be the one in charge of where the boat is going and what rocks and waves it’s going to hit.
I may, come to think of it, have a bit of a control issue.
Anyway, this is relevant because in last night’s childbirth education class, I found myself mentally critiquing the educator, which of course is ridiculously hypocritical since it’s not like I’m the most fabulous teacher to spin the magic web of rhetoric. But seriously, I give you the following situations:
1. To start with, she made a sexist generalization at the beginning of class, something about how women’s labor stories are like men’s fish stories (implying something about lying about the length thereof, I guess), and mostly I was offended because I fish, too. And I have not yet lied about my labor experience (head’s up: I WILL win), so the expectation rankled.
2. Then there was this dandy question, clearly meant to gin up some discussion in the class:
Educator: How do you time contractions?
[ten seconds dead silence]
Me: Um, with a watch?
I knew what she was getting at, although not exactly — something to do with frequency and/or duration of contractions — but when you ask an unclear question and no one answers, rephrase and clarify what you mean. Or else you get smart-asses like me answering. (Though, professional confessional time: I love smart-asses. They make class fun and keep me on my toes. Double bonus. Although I’m not sure this educator feels that way about me.)
3. This is a rhetorical complaint: Everything she says is declarative: You WILL do this, you WILL do that, you WILL like this, you WILL not like that, etc. Um, no, thank you. Being told what I will and won’t do or think works about as well on this 30-year-old as it did on this 15-year-old. I realize I’m knocking my own maturity level here, but thanks to feminism and consumerism AND SCIENCE, women have a lot more childbirth choices than we used to, and I don’t appreciate childbirth “education” being presented as a map with stations where you get your hand stamped before moving on to the next level. If that works for the next woman, great — but not me.
Tangential confession: Last night I was a little taken aback when the educator asked who all was reading books on childbirth and I was the only one who raised a hand. Seriously?! How can you approach one of the biggest events in your life without planning? (And no, I don’t think childbirth education indoctrination counts.) I mean, I know I like to plan, but … HOW DO YOU NOT PLAN?
4. Finally, this childbirth educator pronounces the word “dilated” “dillatated.” THAT IS NOT A WORD, and I know because I triple-checked it on dictionary.com so as to not be made an ass of (which happens often enough as it is). And I know I should be more worried about what it means to be 10 cm “dillatated” than how she mispronounces the word, but it strikes at the heart of her ethos and those twelve or whatever years she spent on a Labor and Delivery ward.
Ugh. Somehow in my life I have morphed from the back-row, I’m-not-here student into the front-row, know-it-all critic. What’s worse, I remember how I hated those people in college, and thus this post is halfway between a cry for help and a blubbering confession. I guess when I’m stuck spreadlegged and naked at 8 cm dillatated and wondering why my epidural isn’t working, I’ll have time to ponder this further.
Welcome to parenthood, where everyone is an expert and there is Only One Way to do everything. Where children are all alike, parents are all alike, and the vast majority of people who do the job are not necessarily someone you would ever talk to, given the choice.
I read a few of the “classic” baby books (“What To Expect” and the like), and if there was not actual information in there, I would have tossed the book over my shoulder and never looked back. Ugh. Seriously, the only book that I even halfway enjoyed reading was “Pregnancy Sucks: What To Do When Your Little Miracle Makes You Miserable.” Not that I felt that pregnancy sucked, necessarily, but the flippant and frankly snarky tone of the book really resonated with my own Secret Misanthrope. (Note: the author co-wrote a second book with her husband for the dad-to-be, which is also amusing.) My OB recommended “The Girlfriend’s Guide To Pregnancy” which was okay, I guess. I didn’t feel the need to burn it in effigy, so I guess that says something. I definitely recommend reading at least the first chapter in the bookstore before you buy any baby book. Kind of like self-help books, actually…
You’re going to get so much advice, and product recommendations for things others’ kids WOULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT (OH NOES), but when your kid comes out he/she is going to have his/her own opinion about everything. Even if you loved X product/activity when you were an infant and your husband was the exact same way about the exact same product/activity, this is absolutely no guarantee that your sprogling will tolerate the same thing for even a second. Baby stores are full of expensive crap you will never, ever, ever need, barring a car seat, crib, basic clothing, sustenance and diapers. If you don’t have to go into a baby store without knowing exactly what you want to buy, please don’t. Hello, instantly overwhelmed!
Later on you’ll have lots of fun explaining to people that even though all eight of THEIR kids kept their shoes and socks on at all hours of the day throughout their childhoods, your kid hates them like poison and somehow, has yet to fall ill with the agues and die. Oh, it’s good times.
Interestingly enough, I didn’t attend any childbirth classes largely because I didn’t want to run into people exactly like you describe. Not really the best reason…
Reply
P.S., What is with so many people in the baby industry being so very flippant with the sexism? I know they’re trying to make with the nicey-nicey small talk and put you at ease, but it makes it difficult for me to take them seriously at all when I want to smack them for being insulting. HELLO, what a perfect opportunity to start putting an end to the idea that men don’t change diapers or that women will always be the primary caretaker!
Reply