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Pregnancy-related shit list

§ June 16th, 2010 § Filed under opinions on childish things, procrastiblog § 2 Comments

Lately, a few things about being publicly pregnant have been grating on me nerve. Yeah, that’s singular. And, apparently, Irish. And because I worry less than I probably should about other people’s feelings, I’m saying what I think about those things.

1. If you use the words “preggo,” “preggers,” or “womb,” I will glare.

2. If you tell me, “Everyone’s hoping it’s a boy,” I will respond, unoriginally but cuttingly, “We just hope it’s healthy.” Then you will say, “Well, of course,” and feel foolish.

3. If you criticize or question my dietary choices, I will probably cry. I’m pretty sure I can tear up on cue these days. And if you’re lucky, I won’t also vomit on you, which I can also just about do on cue.

4. If you comment on my “baby bump” (another term closely related to No. 1), I will mince no words in pointing out I’m a lot fatter right now than I am pregnant (see also No. 3); it’s just that I can’t suck it in any longer.

5. If you ask if it was on purpose, I understand your curiosity and I will try to be polite through my gritted teeth instead of screaming FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES, but that’s still a rude question.

6. If you ask me if we “tried anything” to have a child of a certain gender, I may be tempted to answer with graphic detail. G-R-A-P-H-I-C. Maybe even demonstrate. (Seriously. I can’t believe I’ve been asked this.)

7. If you so much as touch my belly, so help me god you’ll lose that hand.

Other items for the shit list:

8. Polka dots — seriously, why? On clothes, decorations, baby gear, etc. Is it the roundness that people associate in some Freudian manner with the pregnant belly? LIKE I WANT TO LOOK ANY ROUNDER.

9. Winnie the Pooh. The strength of my irrational distaste for that animated series is beyond words.

10. Baby-talk. Gag me.

I’ve eaten plenty of my own words lately (cf. “I’m never having kids!”), and I’m sure I’ll have a few more portions to consume before all this is up, but getting this off my chest feels better.