On weddings: We were SO RUDE! and UNMANNERLY!
The etiquette mavens at the MSN Miss Manners board have their knickers in a twist because some guest was invited to a (god forbid!) Friday 4 p.m. wedding. How rude! Inconsiderate! Don’t they know that people have, like, JOBS AND STUFF?
*consults old wedding invitation*
Oh, hey, I got married on a Friday at 5 p.m.! Let’s see, why was that again? Surely because I wanted to punish people who had regular 8-5 jobs, and make them travel in rush hour…. Yes, that was it. In fact, here are all the ways I wanted to inconvenience my guests:
1. We changed the location from McCall to Portland, because it would be worse for our guests to drive in weekend rush-hour traffic than to drive eight hours and have to pay for a weekend’s meal and lodgings in a resort town. I know. We were SO THOUGHTLESS.
2. We consulted the schedules of the members of our wedding party and made sure we interfered with graduate school, Alaska fishing season, pregnancies, finals and graduation, and camp. It was hard, but I think we picked a day that maximized inconvenience for EVERYONE.*
3. We knew months in advance precisely what day we were going to be married because, I mean, who our age DOESN’T know what their schedule will be in a year and a half, but we sat on our thumbs because we wanted to wait until the last minute to begin looking at venues (that’s how you get the best one, OBVIOUSLY). Because we hates to plan! WE HATES IT!** And that’s how we ended up with a venue we just adored–I mean, we could have just squeezed its arborvitae hedge and cooed all night at its colonial facade–right next to an active soccer field, with a delightful owner who didn’t lie, swindle, steal, or be rude to us AT ALL!
4. We were also total jerks and even though we tried not to, we ended up finding a location that was handicap-accessible for our grandparents. DARN YOU, GRANDPARENTS, FOR SUPPORTING AND CARING FOR US ALL OUR LIVES. We were really hoping you wouldn’t make it. Oh well.***
5. We also searched and searched for a small venue so we wouldn’t have to invite our entire families, but fuck me, wouldn’t you know that ALL the justices of the peace were taken that day? So we HAD to spend it with people we care about in a venue large enough to hold all of them AND THEIR HUNGRY MOUTHS.
So yes, we did our best to be rude and unmannerly. I hope you’re all sorry you came, or grateful you weren’t invited. You idiots. DON’T YOU KNOW YOU MEAN NOTHING TO US?
* SISTER, it is NOT MY FAULT you ended up all knocked up. But it worked out: Ellia was the cutest flower girl at our wedding, all dressed in her amniotic sac.
** If you don’t get this, then you don’t know me AT ALL.
*** If my grandparent(s) read this, could someone please be sure they understand sarcasm?
Last spring I went to a 6 p.m. Sunday wedding in California, when I was living in Minnesota. It was ridiculous timing, but it was the most fun wedding I’ve been to to date. Some things are worth it.
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