On disagreement, the painful kind
One of the quandries I face daily on Facebook is people I’m friends with posting links to articles of their own particular political persuasion. I reason that if they post them, they’re intending to share ideas. So how do I express my ideas on the subject, especially when I vehemently disagree? Will this friend be angry, avoidant, embarrassed, hurt? Might I do irreparrable damage to our friendship, and could it ever be worth it?
And I do the same thing — or at least I did: during the election I posted to Facebook many articles on politics, so I know others probably feel the same way I feel right now: conflicted. It’s easy to disagree with someone, but hard to express it sometimes, especially when it’s someone you’re friends with. Or someone who may soon be classified as “someone you used to be friends with.”
Specifically, today a friend posted an article by Pat Buchanan which, aside from its mass generalizations and utter lack of sources*, contains the following gem toward the end:
Oh, yes. Obama also promises everybody a college education.
Coming to America to feast on this cornucopia of freebies is the world. One million to 2 million immigrants, legal and illegal, arrive every year. They come with fewer skills and less education than Americans, and consume more tax dollars than they contribute by three to one.
Wise Latina women have more babies north of the border than they do in Mexico and twice as many here as American women.
As almost all immigrants are now Third World people of color, they qualify for ethnic preferences in hiring and promotions and admissions to college over the children of Americans.
All of this would have astounded and appalled the Founding Fathers, who after all, created America – as they declared loud and clear in the Constitution – “for ourselves and our posterity.”
Excuse me? Am I the only one who read that as, Those people of color are threatening white America!?
As disgusting and perplexing (and, regarding the entire article, poorly written and woefully organized) as I find this message, I find it more disturbing that a friend posted this on Facebook.
So what’s a “friend” to do? Say something? Keep your mouth shut? Block him from the news feed?
In this case, I honestly felt like I couldn’t not say something; that saying nothing would be tacit approval. So, I did, and now the pit of my stomach is in knots and I don’t want to check back in, because while I was careful to phrase my comment as a question, asking if perhaps the message had a racist edge to it and avoiding accusing my friend of espousing racism, I really don’t want to see how I’m probably about to be crucified by this friend’s right-wing associates. I’m not sure if I could do anything other than make people offended.
But if, in the off chance I could make people rethink what they’ve just read, wouldn’t it be worth it?
Yet the little part of my brain that I’m constantly trying to hush up because it screws with my self-esteem is saying, Maybe you’re wrong. Maybe you misread it. But I don’t really see how it could’ve been interpreted another way, though I’m sure many will try.
Well, maybe I am wrong. TELL ME IF I’M WRONG. Because if I’m wrong it means that this friend isn’t as thoughtless and callous and far-gone as it seems. I just can’t believe people are using racist rhetoric in this century — and people I know and love are sharing it.
*This is forgiveable in opinion columns, but I found it particularly egregious in this one.
I cannot tell you that you are wrong.
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Chelsey replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 09:05
Can you tell me more about what you think?
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JM replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 10:39
I also read it as “those people of color are threatening white America” — very clearly as such.
WRT engagement on these issues, I don’t do it. I gave up on that a long, long time ago. I simply cut people out of my life who show such clear biases that conflict so strongly with my own. That is not to say that I do not respect their freedom to have and exercise any opinions — I do. But in my 35 yrs on this earth I have found that the similarities I might have with people who are politically, ethically, morally different than I am in no way outweigh those differences. IOW, I have no room in my life for active engagement with anyone so vastly fundamentally different than myself. I will not say they are horrible people, or that they are wrong or anything of that nature — I will simply say that they are different from me, and to have them as part of my sphere causes me more internal conflict than it is worth.
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Chelsey replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 11:48
WRT cutting people out of my life, your comment made me think about everyone who would be gone if I did it on major ideological grounds, and I guess that would include a great deal of family and many of my long-time Adventist friends. I’m pretty sure I can’t do that, mainly because the conflict isn’t (currently) outweighing the worth of the relationship. However, this episode and those like it is making me struggle with the issue of like and respect, because I find it difficult (and painful) to still respect and like someone who is, like you said, so fundamentally different from myself.
Thanks for interrupting your grading for this. :)
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JM replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 14:26
Yeah, it’s a cost-benefit analysis thing. Bearing in mind that I haven’t talked to my parents in 7 months and haven’t seen them in 7 years, don’t talk to anyone I’m related to, and have a very, very small group of friends. It works for me. For _me_. And it took a long time to get there.
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In any rhetorical context, it is perfectly acceptable to let others know what you think…either by disagreeing with them or agreeing with their point of view. Depending on how you word your views (and I assume you handled this situation with kid gloves) their reaction is entirely out of your hands. It is ultimately their choice how they choose to take your words. If they acknowledge their erroneous assumptions or mistaken beliefs then they are individuals capable of improvement. If they ignore your warnings and/or respond violently, then they choose to do so. You are not wrong to disagree with them. There is no fault with that kind of a thing.
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Chelsey replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 11:51
Well, I have to be careful, because I don’t want to assume that others are always making erroneous assumptions or that their beliefs are mistaken. In this case, I do believe it to be true, but not always in general. But you are correct that the response is their choice; I just try to be thoughtful and respectful in the way I query them, because there’s a difference between asking for and provoking a response.
I get a lot of saddle soreness from straddling the fence….
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I’m reminded of Nana Bea saying to Gramps in their early courtship, after he’d espoused some opinion or another, “I respectfully disagree with you,” and how that so completely gained his attention and eventually, love. I would agree that the posted article bordered racism and that a response was appropriate. I commend the amount of thought and care you put into your response and hope your friend’s response will include those same qualities.
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Chelsey replied:
July 18th, 2009 at 18:13
I believe you can read the entire exchange, as this is a mutual friend (guess who)….
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