Name dropping
I don’t have kids, something we can ALL be thankful for, but boy do I have opinions about them. Thus, I introduce a new blog category: opinions on childish things by someone who doesn’t have children. Yes, I know I’m not supposed to have, let alone air, my opinions when I don’t have the “rightful” experience to back it up, but fuck all if I’m not gonna do it anyway. Assess my ethos and get riled up accordingly.
So, for today’s topic, it’s middle names. Primarily Englishy middle names, as I know naming traditions, rituals, and rules can vary by ethnicity. For the most part, I don’t get the point of having a middle name. Tradition merely for the sake of tradition is stupid, an opinion of mine which is not shared by my in-laws, for whom I must create much angst. (Sorry.)
Anyway: middle names are nearly completely pointless. Or in the case of those who for whatever reason go by their middle name, then the first name is nearly completely pointless. If your name is Winnifred Cinderella Dorkus, and you go by Cinderella, then “Winnifred” is nearly completely pointless. The only people who see it are teachers at role call who will inevitably stumble over it, people who actually look at your birth announcements, and the government official making your passport or driver license.
Therefore, when I hear about couples who each pick a name, first and middle, they don’t both win. Whoever picked the first name won, and the other person got the lamest consolation prize: a middle name hardly anyone will know or care about. The important thing to decide in this scenario is, Who is the more gracious loser? THAT person should pick the middle name.
However, there are two reasons I can figure that makes middle names sensible. One is if you want to honor someone by naming your child after them, but you don’t want to honor them enough to give the child that first name. Which is valid, in my opinion, seeing as how my middle name is my grandmother’s name but I don’t think I’d've liked for it to be my first name (good call, Mom and Dad). The other is if you want to pass along a family name, such as a parent’s last name or maiden name.
The middle name choices I really don’t like are those that create junior, III, IV, etc. names, where the poor male descendant spends his life explaining exactly which Robert Richard Rogerson he is (“the third, like III, like eye-eye-eye – no Robert is not spelled with three I’s!”), and fighting credit card companies, loan collectors, doctors’ offices, and the Social Security Administration for his identity. That’s one tradition I’m glad I didn’t marry into because it sure as hell would not be continuing unless I died giving birth in which case YOU BETTER FEEL GUILTY EVERY TIME YOU SAY THE DAMN KID’S NAME, HUSBAND.
I also find it totally bogus for people to write into forums or advice columns, agonizing over OMG OMG WHICH ORDER OF NAMES IS BEST, whining, “Would ‘Crabtree Polyphenalphosphate’ sound better if it were switched around?” and have other people respond, “You really shouldn’t mix multi-syllabic words; try ‘Crabtree John.’” Sheesh, people — who’s going to end up calling this baby by its full name unless it’s a parent, and they’re shouting “Darnell BobbyJohn Tuckus, you get your grimy little ass in here RIGHT NOW!”, in which case it’s funnier for the kid if mom or dad stumbles a bit in delivery.
The worst are people who agonize over the initials. My parents, for example, knew they wanted my brother to be “J. B. Lastname,” and they knew the B would be a family name, but they couldn’t decide on a J name (like there aren’t a million out there?). So what name did they finally pick? Jay. I KNOW. *sigh* When it comes to initials, the only ones you ever need to avoid are KKK (and perhaps ACLU and FUK, although some people would get a kick out of that last one).
For my part, I’m going to give my nonexistent children the most ridiculous middle names I can think of: “Johnny Mythbuster” or “Jane Pinkieprincess.” Or I’ll give them TWO middle names, one of them being “the.” And all caps, why not? “Jill THE DESTROYER” or “Jack THE KISSABLE-TOED.” Yeah. Take that, society!
And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to wade through some Nordic baby names in search of the perfect bulldog name. Current favorite: Murgatroyd Hortensia, if it’s a girl.
I will have to disagree that middle names are pointless. But I too am childless, so naturally my opinion is worthless.
However, I do work in the legal system, and middle names can be quite helpful in distinguishing between people. Americans are just not creative enough with one non-surname to create enough diversity. And getting mixed up with another person can be a real bitch. My dad was made to jump through hoops when applying for a loan because someone with his name had a lien on some property. And I do believe one of your in-laws was once wrongly arrested on account of her sharing a name with someone with an outstanding warrant.
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Chelsey replied:
July 9th, 2009 at 14:24
It seems that a SSN check would clear up both those issues, though, doesn’t it?
*resubmitting so that this shows up as a nested comment…damn you, brain!*
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mAtt replied:
July 10th, 2009 at 11:07
ms. mind, i have every intention of endowing any future progeny of mine with at least two middle names each, one of which will be traditional, the rest being awesome. like ’strogg,’ ‘7,’ ‘hannity,’ NULL, and so on.
they will be little embodiments of creativity! and simultaneously, black holes of bitterness toward me. which is to say, everything i can hope for in a child.
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HA! Brilliant post. I’m trying not to wreak any internal damage while simultaneously not disturbing/alarming my fellow library patrons…
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I like any post about names, but this was particularly thought-provoking/cackle-inducing. Also, if you’re going with the Nordic names I guess it’s pretty unlikely that your dog and my kid end up with the same name, though Odina Bryndis could be a charmer.
Have kids just so you can name them.
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Firstly, just because you don’t have children does not mean your viewpoint is invalid. Anyone who claims that is pissy that you don’t agree with them and is pulling a “You can’t play because you don’t do it right!” argument but trying to class it up a smidgen. Those not under the influence of the “OMG squee baybees EVERYWHERE” contagion bring an invaluable reference point from the outside world, where people are not spending X billion hours trying to match the nursery walls to the comforter and shelves and pacifiers and tiny, uncomfortable, dry-clean-only dresses/suits (to be vomited upon immediately by the wearer) in the perfect shade of pastel.
Secondly, if you look at it as win or lose, then one of you is going to be unhappy no matter what. An alternative is for one person to “win” this time, and then resolve to let it be the other person’s turn to “win.” Breakers of this rule are immediately to be called “Bunglebort Slaptiback” until that time they stop it and grow up.
Thirdly: To anyone considering names, please consult an elementary-school teacher. They will tell you immediately which names and spellings will land a kid in the angry emo corner because no one gets their name right, ever. Weird spellings give your kid the impression that they are a speshul snowflake and normal rules do not apply to them. Danger, Wil Robinson. Danger.
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Chelsey replied:
July 30th, 2009 at 07:00
I don’t know who you are . . . but I think I might just love you.
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